It was 1.5 month ago that I booked a YTT program in Thailand. From the moment that I stepped in their Ashram, I felt a pressure on my heart. I recognized it, it was my intuition telling me: this is not good. But what do you do? I just paid 2500USD dollars. What a difficult situation because secretly i knew my intuition would be right but i suppressed it; first i needed proof to decide to leave.
The first two weeks I had an open mind but with everyday I became more unhappy and my whole body was hurting because I became so tense. I couldn't even do yoga for a week. I value my own thinking and I value my intuition and my heart; they were the opposite: not listen to yourself, listen to your guru and don't listen to your heart, we didn't pay any attention on that; only on the sutras (i do realise that that part is important but to me it is about how you use them).
After two weeks I wanted to leave but due to a combination of circumstances I was standing in front of my teacher crying (i felt very weak because you really shouldn't take your emotions serious because they will pass away). She wanted to know what was going on and I told her my doubts about the course and that i noticed that I was becoming very negative about myself and things around me. She convinced me to stay. I accept myself to a large extent but i always have the feeling that i have to learn to surrender. So I thought: try to surrender.
That's the thing, if you don't listen to your intuition, your mind is going to do funny things. Because I don't think you should surrender to something that your intuition doesn't agree with.
But okay, long story short; I really didn't like how judgemental they were against capitalism and people that sometimes seek comfort, it was all so hard and I thought it almost brain washing how they tried to tell you how to live.
I have a strong intuition but i have neglected it; so now I am back home and I feel very weak, insecure and lost. I eat more than I know is healthy, I smoke. I think it is because i am mad at myself. And confused. Rationally I can understand it, but i don't feel good. Can anyone give me tips or any reaction I'd be happy with.
I hope to hear from you
Girl that neglected her intuition