canarie

YTT -my intuition said no, but I didn't listen

8 posts in this topic

Hi everyone,

It was 1.5 month ago that I booked a YTT program in Thailand. From the moment that I stepped in their Ashram, I felt a pressure on my heart. I recognized it, it was my intuition telling me: this is not good. But what do you do? I just paid 2500USD dollars. What a difficult situation because secretly i knew my intuition would be right but i suppressed it; first i needed proof to decide to leave. 

The first two weeks I had an open mind but with everyday I became more unhappy and my whole body was hurting because I became so tense. I couldn't even do yoga for a week. I value my own thinking and I value my intuition and my heart; they were the opposite: not listen to yourself, listen to your guru and don't listen to your heart, we didn't pay any attention on that; only on the sutras (i do realise that that part is important but to me it is about how you use them). 

After two weeks I wanted to leave but due to a combination of circumstances I was standing in front of my teacher crying (i felt very weak because you really shouldn't take your emotions serious because they will pass away). She wanted to know what was going on and I told her my doubts about the course and that i noticed that I was becoming very negative about myself and things around me. She convinced me to stay. I accept myself to a large extent but i always have the feeling that i have to learn to surrender. So I thought: try to surrender. 

That's the thing, if you don't listen to your intuition, your mind is going to do funny things. Because I don't think you should surrender to something that your intuition doesn't agree with. 

But okay, long story short; I really didn't like how judgemental they were against capitalism and people that sometimes seek comfort, it was all so hard and I thought it almost brain washing how they tried to tell you how to live. 

I have a strong intuition but i have neglected it; so now I am back home and I feel very weak, insecure and lost. I eat more than I know is healthy, I smoke. I think it is because i am mad at myself. And confused. Rationally I can understand it, but i don't feel good. Can anyone give me tips or any reaction I'd be happy with. 

I hope to hear from you

Girl that neglected her intuition

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I'm so sorry to hear that you didn't have a good experience with YTT. My best reminder to you would be this: You can't control anything in this world, not the things that happen, not the way people treat you; but you can control the way you react to it. Maybe try to focus on something good that you got out of the training. Maybe you can take the experiences that you had in training and turn them into something productive and positive. It sounds like you learned, if nothing else, what you don't  want in a training/practice. So maybe step back into the world and seek out those things that were lacking.
Try not to beat yourself up too much about choices you made in the past and simply move forward with a new knowledge and understanding of what it is that really does serve you in this life.

Wishing you the best.

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I'm sorry to hear about your experience, too.  I agree with Brenna about the control.. think of the surrender as "letting go of control".  That is hard to accept, but you did the best you could back then and now you are in recovery mode. The things you are doing now are indulging in yourself because you didn't allow any of that while you were at YTT. You don't feel good about it because you know it isn't healthy in the long-term, but, give yourself a break and cut back slowly.

I see teacher bios list multiple teacher trainings that inspire them - I suspect some may not have resonated well with them, which is why they took more.  So you learned one perspective (that seemed extreme) - to know what you want is to also learn what you don't want. Now you can make your own and cultivate your own practice from there.

I also would never say to not take emotions seriously - they will not pass if you don't let them surface, so don't berate yourself for crying. I cry relatively easily, but it's an emotional release that I learned not to get embarrassed about because, it's one way for me to process them and "have them pass".  I think you were at a crossroads then - you could have left early and wonder if you made the right decision. Instead, you stayed (honestly, it seemed to be all as sunk costs by that point from an economic standpoint). In hindsight it wasn't right for you, but, that's a learning.

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Okay so here are my thoughts:

 

YTT should be taken under an instructor you have experienced first hand and know that you mesh with their teaching style, and with a studio that reflects your yogic philosophy.  I have a hard time understanding how people can go into teacher trainings totally blind of the philosophy it is built on...not saying that's what you did!! I see it a lot in general though...it's such a huge undertaking and can really change your entire life.

I would not write off teacher training forever.  Try out different studios in your area that you think have a more modern philosophy of yoga and take YTT with the teacher/studio that you identify with most.  You are right, it is way too much money to not get a beneficial experience!

I hope I didn't offend anyone by saying that destination/intensive teacher trainings don't seem like a good idea.  I just couldn't imagine how overwhelming that could be! But maybe I'm a wimp ;)

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Dear all

Thank you for your replies... I am surprised by the wisdom of these messages.. it helped me a lot really so thank you so much. Time has passed and the frustration has passed luckily and with that the high expectations I had put on myself before during and after the training. For me it was the opposite of liberation, i walked into prison. Ok this sounds a bit extreme but I did this training so i could fulfill the expectations that i had about myself. These expectations (that were obviously never going to be met by doing a YTT) only increased during the course and by people in my environment. 

I think it was stupid of me to just do a YTT without knowing the persons. I learned the most from that: don't take big steps in the unknown. For some it works, for me works small steps in the unknown. I judge myself for doing a YTT without knowing which philosophy or teachers i liked. I feel naive stupid and dumb for falling for the popularity, being seduced by the marketing of YTT. How come I fell for it? Because i had a picture in my had of me 'just a bit more  stable, aware, healthy, in balance'. And I thought to obtain that 'me' by doing a YTT... 

I have quite neglected yoga since i am back... i know that is not the right way forward but it seems like the most easy one. I think I will take my first yoga class this week - so breaking the picture of me:'i should be a teacher, not a pupil' (i know, rediculous, but my mind can be quite harsh on me). 

Anyway; i just wanted to tell you that all the three messages taught me a lot. Many many many thanks for that! Very special that you get something like this back when you are carefully open. :)

YogaByCandace and yogafire like this

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@canarie Do not be so hard on yourself! You are SO brave to even attempt something like that.  The way that courageous people learn lessons is by trial and error, and sometimes they have to learn them over and over.  

I understand why you have neglected yoga.  This was probably a VERY traumatic experience for you and I can see how practicing might trigger the same anxiety you experienced abroad.

Modern yoga is amazing, but it can also be very deceiving.  I see it every day on social media...the practices that look so effortless and make you feel that it is easy, which = injuries.  I myself have fallen for it, you are nowhere near the only one.

If you need to take a break from yoga, I totally get it and I think you should give yourself that space.  But asana is only one limb of yoga.  You can still practice the yamas, niyamas, pranayama, etc. until you feel ready to ease yourself back onto the mat.  Only you know your journey <3

yogafire and YogaByCandace like this

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@canarie I'm so sorry for what you went through. I always try to warn people when they ask about yoga teacher trainings. They are big, BIG money-makers for the instructors who host them. Biiiiig money-makers. (Side note: it's interesting your training dismissed capitalism but charged $2500 for a training<a href=http://www.freesmile) So I always try to encourage people to really do their homework on the teacher, take a class if possible, but if not, research the teacher and curriculum, ask for samples, etc, because more often than not, the price is a huge investment. I was in a similar situation in terms of my training. I was based in Germany, so I hadn't taken any classes with my teacher. I did a lot of research though, yet there were still a few things that bothered me. There were certain things that were said that I just sort of felt :blink: about. Luckily, my group was a pretty outspoken bunch, though, so if I didn't have the courage to disagree with what I was hearing, someone else did, and then we all had a discussion about it and more often than not, just agreed to disagree.:)

I totally understand you taking a break from asana. That makes sense to me after what you've been through. So take that break. Do other things you enjoy. Find your joy again. And then revisit it when you're ready. In the meantime, like @ananadayoga said, you can practice other limbs. It's just another facet of your practice. 

Remember that sometimes our darkest moments turn into the thing we're most grateful to have endured. The tough times, when looked at from the right angle, can offer so many lessons. As Brenna pointed out here, now you know what you didn't want in a training. One day when (if?) you are offering trainings, you will know what to avoid. You will be able to create an environment that is welcoming and accepting of all people and lifestyle choices. Your training also taught you the power of marketing. You know exactly what they said to get you, and now you'll know what to look out for in the future. Lots of little blessings, you just have to look a little harder when they're hidden by such a negative veil. 

 

yogafire, brenskip55 and yogagrammy like this

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I like to think of yoga as a pile of stuff that is sitting there and we get to look it over and decide what we want to do with it.

A good teacher helps us figure out what is in the pile. Then it is up to us to decide what to do with it. Not the teacher forcing their opinion on us.

Sometimes the teacher is another person sometimes the teacher is ourselves.

Whatever these teachers were doing in Thailand doesn't really sound like the yoga I know. Maybe it was their version of yoga. But definitely not your version.  Who Owns Yoga? Video

Maybe this time didn't work out for you, and I am sorry to hear that. But next time, if there is a next time, you will know what to look for and won't settle for anything less than the best for you. 

brenskip55, yogafire and yogagrammy like this

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